The Truth About Emotional Weapons After an Affair

Shawn Haywood, PhRD
Jul 31
2 min read

I’m guessing you’ve always been someone who “gets things done”.

Whether it’s your career, your friendships, or personal goals — when you set your mind to something, you figure it out. You read the books. You listen to all the top podcasts. You give it your best. You always show up.

But ever since you found out about the affair, no matter how hard you try, or how much material you consume, you can’t seem to figure out how to feel ‘good’ again.

And while it may feel like the affair was the thing that broke everything, the truth is often more complex:

An affair is usually not the root issue.

It’s a symptom—a painful, disorienting one—of a deeper emotional disconnection that’s been growing quietly over time.

When we feel betrayed, rejected, or unseen, it’s completely natural to go into self-protection mode.

You might find yourself pulling away, snapping quickly, shutting down, criticizing, or walking on eggshells just to avoid another blow.

These are what I call emotional weapons — automatic, deeply ingrained responses designed to keep us safe. And after an affair, these learned patterns show up in full force.

But the problem is, the more hurt we feel, the more we lean on these protective behaviors — and the more disconnected we become.

It’s not your fault. You’re doing what your nervous system believes it must do to survive.

But if what you truly want is to heal your heart and your marriage after an affair, these weapons can no longer be your strategy.

This is the time — more than ever — to learn how to gently lay them down.

You won’t heal your heart by pushing harder, blaming more, or pretending everything’s fine.

True connection requires understanding the deeper emotional blocks that quietly run the show—and making new, conscious choices to break these patterns.

And even if you decide to leave, you will especially need to learn how to lay down these emotional weapons, so that you are not repeating patterns and carrying hurt, blame and shame into your future relationships.

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

You deserve to feel safe and fully connected in your relationship.

About Dr. Shawn Haywood

Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.