You hurt me, so now I’ll hurt you

Shawn Haywood, PhRD
Apr 25
4 min read

You got hurt.

And now you want to give hurt.

It’s how we’ve been raised, it’s what we see on TV, and it’s what feels the most righteously justified in the situation.

Your partner had an affair

And it hurts like hell- perhaps more than any trauma you’ve experienced in the past

So how do you respond?

You want him to feel as utterly broken as you do.

You want them to know the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger that you’re going through

You want them to know what he has seemingly “caused” you to feel

I totally, 100% get it.

This is what I like to call, “letting your inner little kid take the wheel”

Your little kid steps in and says, “I’m hurt, I’m going to give hurt right back, cuz you’re a big stupid dummy head...”

But, before we dive into this, I just want to make clear that I am in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY saying you are acting childish.

Nope, you’re just responding in the way you’ve been taught to – you likely don’t even know a different way to process emotional pain or respond to emotional pain!

And just like other actions/responses that have been programmed into your life, this one can be altered with practice and dedication to love.

So what happens when your little kid takes over?

Essentially, you become triggered to a point where your body jumps into “fight, flight, or freeze” (

Anything might trigger you into feeling the hurt from the affair:

He’s texting someone
Driving past the other woman’s house
Your partner is late coming home from work
Seeing him talk to another woman (even if it’s the cashier at the grocery store)
Hearing the phone ring
Being in the spot where you first learned of the affair

The triggers can feel endless…

Which means that, especially at first as you embark on healing after an affair, you will frequently become triggered into that fight, flight, or freeze.

And when you are in that space, your brain stops making thoughtful decisions. It acts on instinct (or what feels the most natural)

And what feels more natural than what you’ve grown up doing? What you’ve been taught?

Yep – when your brain is unable to reason; to slow down to think; to feel into and respond from the heart; it’s a perfect storm for your little kid to come out and take you over!

And your inner little kid loooooves to make others feel how you are feeling.

So when you’re triggered and feeling angry, betrayed, hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, broken, or sad, your wounded little kid inside tries to make your husband feel the same way.

If you feel angry, you might try to press his buttons (maybe you know dishes in the sink are their pet peeve so you intentionally leave dishes out, or even rub his nose in his mistakes by bringing up the affair again and again as a way to punish him).

If you feel hurt, you might throw one of the affair details in his face, knowing it’s the piece he feels most guilty about.

If you feel embarrassed, you might publicly call out one of his flaws while you’re at dinner with friends.

It doesn’t feel good. Justified, maybe, but never good or kind or loving. But, it makes sense in a way that you want to give what you have received.

But can I be honest?

That’s not what is going to lead you back to a happy and fulfilled life or marriage. It’s not going to lead you back to forgiveness, peace, or love.

It might feel justified to throw a zinger in the moment. But then those feelings of guilt and shame creep into your heart. And the connection with your husband, that’s already hanging on by a thread, gets even more frayed.

In our programs, we teach you ways to invite your little kid to the table when you want to play, have fun, be silly, or get creative!

But we also help you keep her in check when you encounter a trigger.

There is a time and place for your little kid to shine- but triggered states are not one of them!

When you are feeling hurt, how do you typically respond?

Do you lash out?
Behave passive aggressively?
Shut down?
Give the silent treatment?
Cry?
Slam doors?
Punish?
With-hold?
OR something else?

You don't have to stay stuck in this cycle. We are here to help. Book a complimentary Breakthrough Call today to get started.

About Dr. Shawn Haywood

Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.