If you’ve experienced the fallout of an affair, it may feel as if your brain and body have been hijacked.
Your thoughts race, your emotions overwhelm, and your actions may not feel like your own.
This isn’t a failure on your part—it’s your brain doing its best to protect you in the face of perceived danger.
When trust is shattered by an affair, your brain enters a hypervigilant state, similar to a trauma response. It’s as though your mind believes it’s under attack, unable to differentiate between emotional and physical threats. This is why you might feel consumed by thoughts of the affair, obsessing over details, or struggling to focus on anything else.
Why This Happens: Your Brain and Body on Trauma
This state of heightened alertness is a survival mechanism. It evolved to protect humans from immediate physical threats, like a charging bear. But in the aftermath of an affair, this system doesn’t know how to shut off, leaving you stuck in a loop where you may bounce around from fight, flight, fawn and/or freeze:
Fight: You lash out, rehashing every detail of the affair. Maybe you find yourself saying things like, “Tell me again exactly what happened,” even when you’ve heard the answer before.
Flight: You think about packing a bag and disappearing—just leaving behind all the pain and chaos. You avoid your partner, friends, or family, hoping to escape the constant reminder of what happened.
Freeze: You sit in your car after work, unable to make yourself go inside. You feel overwhelmed and paralyzed, like even deciding what to have for dinner is too much.
Fawn: You smile through family dinner, pretending everything is fine, even though inside you feel broken. You avoid bringing up the affair for fear of causing more conflict.
This constant state of alert can leave you emotionally raw, physically exhausted, and unable to focus on anything else. You might find yourself endlessly checking your partner’s phone, wondering where they really are when they say they’re running errands, or replaying conversations over and over in your mind, searching for inconsistencies.
The Danger of Staying Stuck
The longer your brain remains in this hypervigilant state, the harder it becomes to break free. Maybe you’ve noticed that even on days when you’re not actively thinking about the affair, your body still feels tense, like it’s bracing for impact.
Without the right tools, this cycle can continue for years. You might find yourself obsessing over new "what-ifs," like whether your partner will ever truly change, or whether you’ll ever feel normal again.
But here’s the good news: You can turn down the volume on this response.
Hope for Healing: Turning Down Hypervigilance
Healing starts with learning how to calm your mind and body. This isn’t about ignoring your feelings or pushing aside your pain—it’s about giving yourself the tools to shift from survival mode to a place of clarity and stability.
For example:
Instead of automatically assuming your partner is lying when they say they’re working late, you’ll learn to pause, assess, and respond calmly.
Instead of replaying scenes of the affair in your mind, you’ll practice strategies to redirect your thoughts and ground yourself in the present.
Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, you’ll develop tools to approach them with confidence and calm.
When your brain feels calm, you can begin to rebuild your relationship and work towards:
Reconnecting with your partner in playful, easy, soft and passionate ways
Rebuilding trust effortlessly (even though I KNOW that idea seems impossible for you currently)
Create a marriage that feels like a safe haven where you can talk about anything, anytime- no matter how scary or vulnerable- and feel so deeply safe
The First Step to Healing
That’s why every one of our programs begins with foundational strategies to help your body return to baseline. It’s only from this place of calm that true healing and recovery can happen—for you and your partner.
Ready to Take the First Step?
If you’ve been struggling to quiet your mind and find your footing, you’re not alone. Healing is possible with the right tools and support.
You deserve a relationship that feels safe, secure, and whole again—and it starts with you.
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
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