Why ‘Can’t you just get over it?’ blows up repair
- Shawn Haywood, PhRD
- 24 hours ago
- 2 min read
When shame turns into fatigue, powerlessness, and anger, healing stalls. Here’s how to break the cycle.
If “Why can’t you just get over this?” has shown up in your home, you know it never works. It’s the voice of fatigue and powerlessness, not repair—and it usually triggers anger and defensiveness at some point in your journey together.
This article has one purpose: to help you end that spiral and map a concrete plan—starting on a Breakthrough Call.
What’s really happening (and why you feel stuck)
After discovery, husbands often feel remorse, shame, and guilt. Left unhealed, those hard emotions turn into emotional fatigue when wives understandably keep asking questions or get re-triggered. Fatigue becomes helplessness and powerlessness, which hardens into anger and defensiveness. I call it the Fatigue → Powerlessness → Anger spiral. It’s common, predictable, and fixable.
What you’ll get on your 45-minute Breakthrough Call
A calm, trauma-aware read on where you are in the spiral (no shaming, no blame).
A 90-day stabilization plan tailored to you: daily check-ins, transparency agreements, and a trigger protocol that actually lowers reactivity.
Two exact scripts that replace “get over it” with language that creates safety and progress.
Next steps to sustain momentum (with or without ongoing coaching).
This is not a sales ambush. It’s a working session. If coaching is a fit, we’ll talk options; if not, you’ll still leave with a plan.
A taste of the work we’ll start (so you feel relief fast)
For husbands:
Retire “get over it language.” Try: “I don’t expect you to be over this yet. I’m here to support and repair.”
Use: Listen → Validate → Own → Plan → Check-in (check in means, just that, no hiding- "How are you feeling today? What do you need?" This way, you get in front of spirals instead of attempting to dig out once triggered.
Regulate before you relate: 90-second reset, then speak.
For wives:
Ask for specifics: “Please reassure me about tonight’s plan; text when you leave/arrive.”
Use a trigger plan: name it → one reassurance → one grounding action together or on your own.
Set kind boundaries: “If this turns defensive, let’s pause 20 minutes and return.”
These are great starts. The call makes them yours—structured, scheduled, and repeatable.
Who this call is for:
You want progress and healing without explosions.
You’re willing to try a new structured approach with real and specific tools for 30–90 days.
You care more about repair than being right.
If that’s you, let’s talk.
With you both,
Shawn
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
Where to NEXT?
Comments