It feels personal—but it isn’t about you
- Shawn Haywood, PhRD
- 28 minutes ago
- 3 min read
If you’ve discovered an affair, everything feels personal. Your chest tightens. Your mind spins: Why wasn’t I enough? What did I miss?
Please hear this with deep love and compassion:
It feels personal and IS very tender—but it is NOT about you.Many patterns that drive infidelity look and function like addiction. When we see the pattern clearly, we can stop blaming ourselves and start healing with clarity and boundaries.
How “addiction-like” patterns show up in infidelity
🧠 Psychological & Emotional Traits
Compulsive behavior: “I know it’s wrong… but I still do it.”
Denial & minimization: “I can stop anytime.” “It wasn’t a big deal.”
Low self-esteem & shame: Using the behavior to escape inner pain.
Emotional instability: Mood swings, irritability, anxiety, depression.
Impulsivity: Choosing short-term relief over long-term consequences.
Escapism: Numbing, avoiding, or fleeing reality.
This is how we know that there is no ‘real’ love between a husband and the affair partner. The connection is imagined and expanded because of the addictive qualities.
Behavioral Traits & Habits
Tolerance & escalation: Needing “more” for the same effect.
Withdrawal: Anxiety, cravings, irritability when the behavior stops.
Deception: Hiding, lying, or manipulating to protect access.
Neglected responsibilities: Work, family, and promises slide.
Rituals & obsession: Specific times, places, or routines around the behavior.
Interpersonal & Social Signs
Isolation: Pulling away from healthy connections; seeking enablers.
Blame-shifting: “If you didn’t stress me out…”
Manipulation: Charm, guilt, or deceit to keep the cycle going.
Relationship volatility: Conflict, inconsistency, emotional whiplash.
💔 The emotional core Beneath the behavior is often deep pain or unresolved trauma. The cycle becomes:
A numbing tool to suppress emotion,
A sense of control in an unpredictable world,
A substitute for genuine connection.
What this means for you, the betrayed partner
Stop making their behavior your report card. Their choices are not a reflection of your worth.
Prioritize safety & stability. Boundaries are love in action: transparency, no-contact with affair partners, openness, coaching/therapy, and a clear sobriety plan for acting-out behaviors.
Name reality. Denial prolongs pain. Clear language ends confusion: “This is an addictive cycle, and it must stop for us to heal.”
Get support. Stop trying to do this or to carry this alone. Skilled guidance accelerates stability, accountability, and repair—for both of you.
Measure change, not promises. Look for consistent, observable actions over time.
Want help turning clarity into a concrete 90 plan for your healing?
In our work with couples, we create a 90-day, step-by-step recovery plan that addresses:
the addiction-like cycle (structure, accountability, relapse prevention), and
the relational repair (trauma-sensitive healing, trust-building, and real reconnection
And the pre-existing challenges and painful cycles pre-affair
If you’re the one who acted out, there’s hope. Accountability isn’t shame—it’s the doorway to integrity and genuine intimacy. If you’re the betrayed partner, please know: none of this makes you “not enough.” You are worthy of tenderness, truth, and repair.
With care and steadiness,
Dr. Shawn Haywood & Team
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
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