Reclaiming peace of mind after an affair starts with trusting yourself

Shawn Haywood, PhRD
Jan 3
4 min read

If your husband’s affair has left you replaying conversations, checking details in your head, waking up anxious, or feeling like your mind won’t let you rest—please hear this first:

You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not weak. And you’re not failing at healing.

What you’re experiencing is a very common brain-and-body response to trauma—especially betrayal trauma, where the person you relied on for safety becomes the source of perceived danger and heartache.

Why trauma thoughts are so “sticky” (a science-based explanation)

When something deeply threatening happens, your nervous system shifts into survival mode. In survival mode, your brain’s priority is not happiness—it’s protection.

Here are a few key reasons thoughts can feel impossible to shut off:

1.) Your brain is trying to prevent it from happening again. After a major violation of trust, your mind starts running an endless “risk analysis” to keep you safe:

What did I miss?
How long did it go on?
Is he telling the truth now?
Could this happen again?
How could I have been so blind?
Were we really every happy?
Has my life been a lie?

This is your brain’s threat system doing its job—over and over—because it doesn’t yet feel settled that you’re safe- this becomes a chronic cycle that most people cannot heal and correct without support. Instead, people just ‘get used to” living this way until it moves into the background, but not out of your mind, body, or nervous system.

2.) Betrayal creates uncertainty, and uncertainty fuels hypervigilance.

The brain hates unknowns. When the truth feels incomplete or trust feels shattered, the nervous system wants to stay on high alert. That high alert state makes your mind more likely to “scan” for cues and loop (obsess) on details.

3.) Trauma memories are stored differently than ordinary memories.

In overwhelming moments, the brain can tag memories as high-priority. Instead of feeling like a story from the past, they can show up as vivid images, body sensations, and intrusive thoughts—with a strong inner sense like it’s happening now-and since the nervous system doesn’t know the difference between something that is real and something that is vividly imagined/thought about/remembered-it’s like it IS happening over and over and over again.

That’s not you being dramatic; it’s how the brain encodes threat.

And it is also why you don’t want to mess around with your healing journey. And your healing approach needs to be specific, efficient, effective; combining psychology, neuroscience, biopsychology, and deep spiritual understanding and related skills to take you the distance so that you can heal completely and THRIVE!

→Please reach out to me now if you have any questions or want to talk about receiving support.

4.) Stress makes it harder to think your way out.When you’re activated, the survival parts of the brain get louder, and the part responsible for perspective, planning, and calm reasoning gets quieter. That’s why advice like “just don’t think about it” can feel insulting and additionally triggering—your system is doing what it was designed to do under threat.

So if you’ve felt like you can’t “turn it off,” there’s a reason: your brain is working hard to protect you.

And here’s the hopeful part.

The turning point: learning to trust yourself again

After betrayal, many women say the deepest wound isn’t just what happened—it’s the feeling surrounding the painful ideas that:

“I can’t trust my judgment.”
“I don’t even know what’s real.”
“How did I not see it?”
“Will I ever trust myself or intuition again?”
“How will I ever feel confident again?”

And so on…

This is where reclaiming peace of mind begins.

Because peace doesn’t come only from getting perfect answers or guarantees from someone else. It grows when your nervous system starts to believe:

“No matter what happens, I can trust myself to respond, protect myself, and choose what’s right for me.”

Self-trust isn’t a slogan. It’s a skill. Arguably the most important skill. The women we work with often become almost obsessed with thoughts of trusting their husband again, but the truth is, learning to trust yourself in practical, small, and repeatable ways is your gateway to reclaiming your WHOLE self and emotional, and mental freedom.

Here is one way to start building self-trust (gently, realistically)

Here are simple practices that are research-aligned and trauma-informed—

✨Name the pattern (reduces intensity). When a loop starts, try:

“This is a trauma loop.”
“My brain is scanning for threats because it wants to perceive and feel safe.”
Then repeat, “I am safe, I am safe…”
Repeat the last sentence again and again until you embody a sense of safety
Your sense of safety might feel like just 2-3% at first– this is NOT a problem, start small and grow from there

Needing support is not a setback or a failure…

Chances are, you are not a psychologist or an neuropsychologist- thus likely don’t know how to reclaim yourself from this trauma! I tell people all the time, if I needed a new engine for my car, open heart surgery, or a new roof on our home- I would not be doing it myself!

Same goes for you- no need to do this on your own!

Intrusive thoughts, anxiety spikes, sleep disruption, and emotional flooding can be intense after betrayal– get the support you deserve.

And if you ever feel overwhelmed to the point of hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out immediately to local emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

You deserve real-time support.

If you take nothing else from this email, take this:

Sticky thoughts don’t mean you’re broken. They mean you are hurt.

They mean your system is trying to keep you safe and doing what it was designed to do- so STOP beating yourself up!

And as you rebuild self-trust—step by step—you can reclaim peace of mind, whether you stay, leave, or are still deciding.

With lots of love,

Shawn

About Dr. Shawn Haywood

Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.