Holidays After Hurt: Your 3-Step Calm Plan

Shawn Haywood, PhRD
Nov 19
3 min read

If carols and clinking glasses feel complicated this year, here’s a kinder plan.

If the holidays feel like a maze this year, you’re not doing it wrong—you’re healing. After betrayal, familiar moments can carry unfamiliar weight. Here’s a simple plan to help you move through the season with more steadiness and less self-pressure.

1) Before: Set your map

Make a Yes/No/Maybe list.

Yes: small, safe, replenishing.
No: events that drain you or invite drama.
Maybe: decide 24 hours before.

Build buffers. Put 30–60 minutes of quiet before/after anything social. Protect your sleep schedule with passion and eat simple, healthy meals– yes, I know eating healthy around the holidays can be tricky–do your best.

Choose an ally. Pick one “text-ahead” friend or coach/therapist. Agree on a check-in time and an emoji that means “call me.”

Write an exit plan. Save these to your Notes:

“Thanks so much—we’re keeping tonight short.”
“I’m stepping out for air, be back in a bit.”
“We’ve had a full week; I’m going to head out now. Happy holidays!”

2) During: Your Traffic-Light Plan

GREEN (I’m okay):

Soft shoulders, slow pace, sip water.
Keep a small object in your pocket (ring, stone) to touch when you need steadiness.

YELLOW (early swirl):

Box breathe: 4 in, hold 4, 4 out, hold 4 (four rounds).
Butterfly hug: cross arms over chest, alternate gentle taps 20–30 seconds.
Excuse yourself: restroom, porch, short walk.

RED (triggered):

Name it: “This is a trigger, not danger, I am safe.”
Run cold water over your wrists for 30 seconds.
Text your ally “RED.” Leave if you need to. You owe no one a post-game breakdown.

If you’re rebuilding with a partner: agree on a code (“Time for tea?”) that means step away together. Schedule a 20-minute debrief for later.

3) After: Gentle aftercare

Move it out: shake your limbs for 60 seconds or do a slow stretch.
Simple soothe: warm drink + quiet light + no big conversations for an hour.
Journal prompt: “What felt hard? What helped? What will I do the same/different next time?”

Boundaries you’re allowed to hold

Time: “We can stay for 45 minutes.”
Topics: “I’m not discussing that tonight.”
Alcohol & social media: choose limits that keep you steady.
Money: set a gift budget and stick to it—presence over presents.

Co-parenting notes (if relevant)

Confirm handoff times in writing.
Scripts:
- “Let’s keep handoffs logistics-only this week.”
- “For holiday pics, please send through text—thank you.”

Pocket truths to keep nearby

A wobbly day doesn’t erase progress.
Rest is productive.
You can leave early. You can change your mind.
You’re allowed to feel joy, even now.

You don’t have to earn a peaceful holiday—you get to design one that fits your nervous system and your reality. One gentle choice at a time is more than enough.

Want support this holiday season? Schedule a Breakthrough call with me- I would love to help you heal in the fastest way possible.

With love,

Shawn

About Dr. Shawn Haywood

Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.