You are both trying SO damn hard.
After having the affair, maybe your husband has committed himself to:
Arriving home right on time after work every day (which doesn’t seem to help you stay calm)
Sharing his location with you at all times (which actually leads you to feel more manic when you don’t know exactly where his ‘location’ is)
Cleaning the kitchen every night after dinner (which you worry that he is just trying to please you for now but isn’t actually making permanent changes)
And maybe you have committed to:
Trying your best to move on (yet your brain is still a complete and utter war zone of fearful, anxious, worried, angry, and resentful thoughts and feelings)
Only snooping on his location 3 times a day (even though you want to do nothing else other than track his whereabouts)
Asking as few questions as possible (which only leads you to feel super pissed because he hasn’t actually answered ALL the questions you’ve asked thus far)
But here is the thing…
if “trying hard” could solve the hurt, broken trust, resentment, and betrayal that happen after an affair…then everything would be perfect by now.
If trying hard could fix things, your marriage would be healed.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it goes.
When healing from an affair, trying hard is one billion percent necessary!
You will both need to be committed to recovery, that is definitely true!
BUT trying hard alone isn’t going to solve your problems.
I mean, would you try to do surgery, just because you bought a great knife from William Sonoma?
You need the right tools to try with, so you actually know HOW to try in ways that end in great loving, connecting, and calm rewards… instead of feeling like you’re trying so hard, only to fall down again, be frustrated again, feel heart-broken and betrayed… AGAIN! 💔
You need a curated plan that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and HOW!
Which is why you are going to have to do even more than just trying hard.
Let me give you an example. I am wondering if you can relate:
You commit to not stalking his social media. The intentions are good. But when he is 2 minutes late or when you get overwhelmed by thoughts of the affair, you are going straight to his Instagram.
Or what about your husband committing to give you his full attention. Again, the intentions are good! But when he has a big work project, or an outing with a friend, or the kids really need him for a few days…his attention becomes split.
You can commit to something but not be able to follow through. Why?
You don’t have the tools. Committing to something or trying hard is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg.
The desire to be better and feel better is there. But without proper support & tools, trying hard will only lead to surface-level healing.
Rather than just committing to not stalking, you need the tools to employ when you are triggered into that fight or flight, “Oh my gosh, I need to figure out what’s going on NOW” feeling
And rather than your husband working hard to give you his full attention, he needs to learn when and where he can support you, and when and where he may need to put up loving boundaries if he has to step away.
Is this making sense?
Trying hard is the first step. But are you ready to take the next one?
Are you ready to put some more power behind your commitments and consider working with our team to ensure you have ALL the who, what, when, where, why, and how’s to really thrive on your healing journey?
We are here to support you!
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
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