The Real Reason Affairs Happen

Discover how to calm your mind and heal after an affair, marriage after infidelity

I know your heart is breaking. The betrayal, the confusion, the unbearable question—why did he do this? How could he? Wasn’t I enough?

The truth is, affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. They aren’t just about lust or selfishness. They are the result of deep emotional wounds—ones he may not have even understood himself. And I know that may not make the pain any easier, but if you are searching for answers, for healing, for a way forward, this is where it begins.

Why He Had the Affair

Affairs often stem from unresolved pain and unmet needs.

Affairs provide a temporary escape, a rush of dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin—the very same chemical cocktail that can keep you stuck in cycles of pain, resentment, or unhealthy coping mechanisms like shutting down, over-controlling, or numbing through distractions.

Relationships That Are Vulnerable to an Affair

Affairs don’t happen in happy, connected marriages. They happen in relationships where emotional distance has slowly crept in, creating space for loneliness and discontent to grow.

Maybe your marriage felt more like a business partnership than a romance—coordinating schedules, paying bills, making sure the kids got where they needed to be—but somewhere along the way, the two of you got lost in the shuffle. Maybe conversations were mostly about logistics rather than love, and date nights felt like a distant memory.

Perhaps you started living more like roommates than lovers, passing each other in the kitchen without truly seeing each other. The small gestures—touching his arm as you walked by, laughing together over an inside joke, the way he used to look at you—gradually disappeared. Maybe you were both so exhausted by work, responsibilities, and life that at the end of the day, there was nothing left to give each other.

Or maybe your world revolved around the kids, and while they filled your hearts, they also took up all the space where your marriage used to be. It became about being parents instead of being partners, and before you knew it, the intimacy that once bound you together felt like a thing of the past.

Some couples avoid tough conversations altogether, afraid of conflict, while others fall into a toxic cycle of shutting down, resentment, and emotional distance. Over time, these patterns create a deep void—one that leaves both partners vulnerable to seeking connection and validation elsewhere.

Coping Mechanisms and the Illusion of Escape

The affair wasn’t about attraction—it was a coping mechanism. When people are unhappy and don’t know how to fix it, they often look for ways to escape the pain rather than confront it. Some turn to alcohol, others overwork themselves, overeat, binge-watch TV, or even throw themselves into parenting or fitness in an obsessive way.

For him, the affair was his way of numbing his discomfort, just as you might find yourself falling into patterns of control, shutting down, or seeking distractions to avoid the unbearable weight of betrayal. The rush of a new connection, the excitement, the secrecy—it floods the brain with dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin, making the affair feel like a source of relief from his internal struggles. But like all coping mechanisms, it’s temporary, leaving behind an even deeper void.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse his choices, but it does reveal an important truth: healing isn’t just about stopping the behavior—it’s about addressing the pain that led to it in the first place.

Your Pain and His Are Connected

That’s the hardest part to acknowledge, isn’t it? That you are hurting in different ways, but both need healing. His affair was his way of running from pain. But now, you’re left in agony, trying to figure out how to move forward—or if that’s even possible.

Maybe you’ve found yourself withdrawing, unable to trust. Or maybe you’ve become hyper-vigilant, trying to control every aspect of his life so this never happens again. Or maybe you feel so empty inside that you just want to escape, too—to something, anything, that will make the pain stop.

But here’s what I want you to hear: just like his affair wasn’t truly about you, your healing is not about him. It’s about you reclaiming yourself. Because the only way to rebuild a marriage that is no longer vulnerable to infidelity is for both of you to heal—not just the relationship, but the individuals within it.

The Truth About Healing

The real issue isn’t just the affair itself. It’s the disconnection, the wounds, the emotional walls that were there long before. The affair was the symptom. The pain underneath? That’s what truly needs healing.

If your heart is aching for answers, for healing, for something real—I want you to know you’re not alone. There is a way forward, and it starts with you. With reclaiming your worth, your joy, and your ability to create the love you crave.

With so much love,

Dr. Shawn Haywood

About Dr. Shawn Haywood

Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.