Updated: Dec 20, 2018
If you knew the old me… boy oh boy, you might gasp! She was a real handful… (Blush). I used to engage in every kind of relationship (and life) conflict and drama available. I was jealous, uptight, controlling, naggy, blaming, anxious, irritable, frustrated, kind of mean (gulp), manipulative (double gulp), resentful, judgmental, easily offended and seriously angry. (Maybe you can relate to some of these issues?)
Not a super recipe for navigating a peaceful, conflict free relationship or much, if any, inner emotional wellbeing.
Fast forward to todays' version love (and life)...
It’s nothing short of magic and miracles. I honestly had no idea the love, connection, and joy that could fill a marriage.
At least 90 percent of the time I feel consumed with love, joy and peace. Even my thoughts are of love, joy and peace!
My thoughts are either quiet or empowering the vast majority of the time. Which is a gift beyond measure in comparison to where I was 18 years ago. I used to be a professional in the art of self-loathing, self-criticism, and self-betrayal.
Interestingly, without engaging in healing work, the average person is (and remains) consumed with negativity approximately 80 percent of each waking hour. That means about 50 out of every 60 minute cycle is consumed with stress, worry, upset, overwhelm, anger, irritation, frustration, resentment, loneliness, judgement, gossip, complaining, making excuses, and BLAMING - the root of most of this negativity.
Interestingly, people frequently don’t believe that Chris and I actually have a conflict free marriage. And I must say, I do understand their skepticism. After all, If I didn’t live it, I’d have some questions myself!
Alas, our relationship is indeed a conflict free zone and we live virtually drama-free, inspired lives.
And yes, there is still PLENTY of passion! Haha! I can put your worries to rest about the whole fallacy regarding, “how can there be passion without fighting or conflict?” There can be plenty of passion without fighting and conflict (more so in our case!!).
Are you READY for the SECRET to a conflict free relationship (and Life)?
The secret is taking 100% self responsibility for YOUR experience of life.
Another way to look at it is, NO BLAMING. EVER.
That’s it, it is that simple. Though it will take considerable practice to master this live-changing practice.
Chris and I do not fight because we never blame. I realize that NEVER, especially in this context is a very strong word. Yet it is appropriate. We began slowly, messed up a lot. Then over time, mastery took over, like any great practice.
Doesn’t it sound marvelous? IT IS!
A lack of conflict and fighting doesn’t mean we never face trials or obstacles.Check out my blog on our journey of ‘unsuccessful’ baby-making. We do experience suffering on occasion, everyone does and will at times. But the classic drama, upset, anger, loneliness or resentment that typically accompanies BLAMING is ALWAYS optional. We have simply chosen to take 100% responsibility of our individual experience of life. And consistently practice no longer turning suffering or pain of any kind into weapons or justification for ugliness.
This is a gift beyond measure.
So how does one go about creating a conflict free relationship (and life)?
First, you have to want it. I mean REALLY want it.
The secret is simple, but not always easy, especially when you are already triggered into negativity and upset. Or in the middle of practicing blaming your partner (or another) for what you are currently experiencing. So, if you lack desire and willingness to craft a truly emotionally safe, loving, calm and inspiring home life, you can go ahead and skip the rest of this article and grab a relaxing nap instead!
If, however, you and your partner are truly interested in a mutually passionate, joyful, peaceful, supportive, encouraging, unconditionally loving, playful, silly and adventurous, CONFLICT FREE relationship; you’re in for a real treat.
STEP 1- Trading out your words:
You won't hear any words come from our lips (or our thoughts) that begin with (and now no more of these shall pass your lips either!):
You made me feel…
You make me….
You hurt me…
You are a…
All forms of blame toward your partner for YOUR experience of life is born of a victim mentality and perpetuate the illusion of personal powerlessness or helplessness.
You will want to TRADE out these ideas for statements that begin like this:
I feel…. (loved, loving, hurt, angry, alone, sad, frustrated, resentful).
The story I am telling myself is…. (stories are a dime a dozen and rarely reflect truth)
When you approach your partner, devoid of blame and attack (You made me feel...) while adding (the story I'm telling myself is that you don't care about my feelings, and because of this, I feel angry. The truth is, that you do care about my feelings very much and I over-reacted, or had a bad day and took it out on you... and so on.)
Taking 100% responsibility for your experience of live means re-contextualizing dozens of situations, thoughts, emotions, drama, interactions all day long for a time! As well as eating a lot of humble pie.
STEP 2- Question your ideas:
The negative thoughts that pop into your head are RARELY reliable, and even less often based on truth. Most of what comes to mind under negative circumstances (negative emotions of feelings) are a result of childhood conditioning, ignorance, negative habits, or a lack of intentional attention.
For example, blaming ASSUMES that you believe that your partner is intentionally, knowingly or blatantly trying to harm or hurt you. This is incredibly rare. What spouse wakes up in the morning plotting, “how can I upset, hurt, anger or otherwise create conflict and drama in my relationship”. It’s absurd! And if you really do believe that, it is probably time to move on...
Instead, begin questioning your thoughts and opinions. As well as the sometimes even, seriously deranged interpretations and perceptions that we can conjure up!
Is s/he doing this on purpose?
Has s/he simply made a mistake?
Is this a result of having very different temperaments or thinking about things from different perspectives?
Why am I taking this so personally?
Am I looking to be offended right now?
How else can I choose to see this situation?
How can I view this situation from love?
What would I think IF I believed in my partner and his or her goodness?
Once you begin responding to your own questions in more honest ways, you can then practice taking ownership of YOUR experience. You can begin choosing how you want to respond, how you want to feel, and how you want to show up as a result of your realizations, lack of blaming and desire to BE HAPPY!
It is that simple.
These 2 practices will give you a 0-60 peel out toward a beautifully peaceful, playful, passionate and inspiring relationship.