Updated: Jun 20, 2019
Like many of my clients, I spent decades feeling overwhelmed by emotions like anxiety, loneliness, anger and frustration.
And even though I had learned a ton and done some serious healing, during the first 10 years I was a life, relationship and business coach; it wasn’t until I learned a significant secret that totally transformed the second 10 years of coaching and changed everything for me (and for my clients).
“He doesn’t help enough around the house. How is it such a frickin’ mystery that, when it is dinner time, I’d like to have help in the kitchen?”
This is the kind of thing I hear all the time, and certainly used to say and think!
Enter Radical Self Responsibility!
One of the biggest challenges I see in relationships (was true for me as well) is an aversion to taking RADICAL SELF RESPONSIBILITY for one's own self, actions, thoughts, reactions, responses, feelings, and everything in between.
Instead, blaming is usually engaged.
Blaming seems so darn available doesn’t it? And even warranted or justified.
In fact, many people are actually conditioned growing up to blame others for their 'lot in life', so to speak. And especially for their difficult or painful emotions and experiences.
You might be incredibly empowered in certain places, but you likely give your power away in the form of blame in other places!
Radical self responsibility (RSR) is crucial to understand if you want to remove negative feelings and experiences, AND become very-very happy in life, love and business on a continuous basis.
In the absence of RSR, we say things like s/he didn't follow through on (blank) , so I am angry or resentful or (fill in the blank), and there for I will with-hold, punish, pout, yell, give the silent treatment or (fill in the blank).
This is how we give our power away. In effect we say, ‘because you didn’t do/say what I wanted, you have made me feel bad.’
Unfortunate news flash (actually very fortunate!), you, and only you, are responsible for your emotional wellbeing and experience of life.
That is what RSR is- I AM JOYFULLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY EXPERIENCE OF LIFE! And I take all necessary steps to heal anything that encourages me to believe otherwise.
Some of you know that one of the key concepts I teach is a 'blame-free' live, love, work together model.
This model is amazing and beyond powerful when applied. This model takes time to learn and apply, but it is not difficult. It is actually quite simple. And it teaches you to claim your personal power-Hooray!
What are the benefits of a blame free dynamic?
1) Conflict disappears. Where there is no blame, there is virtually ZERO conflict. It is difficult to fight or argue when the element of "attack" is removed- which IS what blame IS- attack, condemnation, shaming and judging (all things that make connection and closeness VERY difficult)
2) Collaboration is experienced in ways you never new existed (this I can only know from experiences. This was a surprise gift to Chris and I and to my clients!
3) In the absence of blame, each partner naturally grows in confidence, becomes more self assured, solution focused and assertive in his or her roles.
4) Division of duties shifts naturally to a more balanced space.
5) Each partner grows the confidence to LEAD and to FOLLOW productively in various capacities.
6) Um, hello! You get to live in peace, play and inspiration together- with an unbreakable, non-interrupt-able (made up word!) connection that allows intimacy and vulnerability to expand...
7) Often, one or both partners feels more 'sexually' motivated- and if your relationship is anything like mine and Chris's used to be, this is a HUGE gift and shift! 💋
“Great Shawn ... how do I get here?”
In short: a series of strategic practices.
ONE of the first steps FEELS emotionally difficult because we resist letting go of blame. But, being radically self responsible does indeed mean, letting go of blame.
So be ready, you WILL resist letting go of blame, and your mind will erect dozens of seemingly 'real' stories to prove that the blaming is indeed, justified and that your partner IS at fault! 😞
SO... what can we do to get rid of blame and become increasingly RSR? How do we begin to create a blame free dynamic?
➡ You must take radical responsibility for YOU! In order to remove blame, we must replace it with personal ownership. This is where you take ALL of your delicious power back!
When you let go of 'making others wrong", you become more creative and empowered in changing your own circumstances, feelings, thinking, limiting beliefs, mental stories, responses, and so on.
Here are 3 great ways to release blame and take radical responsibility for yourself:
1) Speak your mind clearly. Don't leave any room for interpretation or assumptions. There is also room here to listen more carefully, instead of preparing your rebuttal while the other person is talking.
2) Ask for what you want clearly (NO assuming). And please, for the love of all that is holy, do not think for one moment, "If he or she loved me (cared about me, respected me and so on), he or she would do or say or be _____". This is essentially NEVER true. And for the sake mental reprograming, just know it is RARELY the case. This is key in taking RADICAL OWNERSHIP of your experience of life, love and business!
3) Own your feelings. When you feel yucky in any way, you say, "I feel angry (frustrated, impatient, overwhelmed, alone, etc) because I have a sand bag of anger (or other negative emotion)r." Your upset is yours to own (sorry, I know this can be very difficult to hear and even more difficult to own / absorb). And negative emotions are yours to heal and transcend- which is totally possible (you need no longer 'manage' emotions like anger, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, etc) -- no one needs to have negative emotions that hang on for more than a few minutes or moments at a time. How to heal negative emotions, is more than I can explain in an already very long post!
And BTW, "FINE" is not a feeling! Haha!
This used to be Chris’s 'go to' response before he engaged a great deal of transformation- emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
One more note to be super mindful of as you begin practicing radical self responsibility.
There are multiple pay offs for blaming. This might seem odd, but humans do NOTHING without a pay off. Here are a few common pay offs for blaming:
1) The delicious sense of righteous indignation.
2) The joy of ‘being right’.
3) The chemical cascade of dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin when emotions like anger are at play.
4) And, often because blame comes with anger or another type of wrath, your partner's compliance can result from blaming (which really means that you are controlling another person with anger and fear of punishment).
So, are you getting the gist of how to reclaim your power by becoming more radically self responsible through releasing blame?
If you read this entire blog, you certainly have questions. Please feel free to message me on FB or email me!