Updated: Jan 24, 2019
It’s the age old tale of men wanting 100 times the amount of sex as their lady counter-parts (well, in most relationships anyway)! I mean really, how much of a dude’s day is taken up by thoughts of sex, wanting sex, hoping for sex, wishing for sex, feeling frustrated about sex, planning for sex, or trying to figure out how to get more … sex!
Men and women really are built differently. In our home, Chis and I joke about this all the time. We have created humor, play and connection through our innate masculine and feminine differences- from business to the bedroom!
I mean, how many times a week does a girl need to be woken up by something “poking” her in the back… and he’s not even awake! Or how often does a dude want to hear, “no thanks, I’m just too tired and stressed to get in the mood”. A wild departure of the glory days of a new relationship, where both, men and women want sex anytime they can get it.
I totally get the frustration that men experience when sex begins to fall off, like it does in a great many marriages- and for several reasons. They are left wondering… “Um, when did the rules of the game change? She wanted tons of sex like 5 minutes ago, and now I have to jump through all kinds of circus hoops and still might not get laid! I mean geez, I have no idea what I have done!”
Yeah, men often blame themselves and neither partner is too keen on talking about this very sensitive situation, nor do couples know how to talk about sexual issues in ways that are truly fruitful…
Yes, it is frustrating. I know from my own past experience and that of my darling husband. But, if it makes you feel any better, ladies feel really guilty and ashamed when their sexual desire begins to wane.
Usually, the reasons WHY ‘she’ doesn’t want as much sex over time is mysterious to both sexes. Let’s see if we can shed some light.
There are numerous reasons ladies sex-drive dwindles. Here are the most common:
1) Hormone changes (this can be remedied, reach out to me if you or your partner is experiencing this issue)
2) She feels disconnected from her partner
3) She feels overwhelmed, exhausted or over stressed
So what can MEN do in their relationships to encourage or invite more bedroom-time from his partner? Well, honestly there are LOTS of things that can be done about the second and third issues. The hormone thing, is a bit more complex, but seriously, ladies get this one checked out- and not just by your regular doctor- this RARELY solves the issues.
Here are 3 things MEN can do to ramp up ‘naughty time’!
1) Connect With Your Lady
Much of the time, a woman need to feel connect before she feels emotionally and physically prepared to hop in the sack with you! And no, pointing out the fact that she is naked, every time she is naked, is not likely what she might consider ‘connecting’!
This is about engaging. And no excuses about being too tired to connect with your lady! If you want to have more sex, or stay married long-term for that matter- begin initiating more engagement with your sweetie.
Here are a few examples to get you moving in a positively-engaging direction:
Ask how you can support her (regardless of mood)
Ask her on a date each week or a couple times per month
Ask about her day, work, what she is reading, her hobbies, etc.
See if she’d like to go on a walk (once a week or so)
Be spontaneous! Take her for ice cream, a country drive, or to a park to swing…
Play together - Play a game (Uno, scrabble, dominos, etc.)
Find a hobby to do together
There are literally endless ways to connect with your partner. The key is to make it an important and intentional part of your life. And not just because you’d like more bedroom time (which is of course a great benefit), but because being and feeling connected is great for both of you- body, mind, emotions and spirit.
2) Share Your FEELINGS…
Remember third grade recess? You were playing kick-ball (or some kind of activity) and most of the girls were huddled up flapping their gums! Women bond through talking (as a primary modality). Men bond over activities (AND talking / sharing- but often as a secondary modality).
Ok, don’t panic. I don’t expect you to share your feelings in the ways that women do (unless you want to- (and many of my rock star male clients REALLY enjoy sharing, once they get into it). Either way, open-hearted sharing of feelings, ideas, dreams, hopes, struggles, challenges and opportunities will go a long way in building a more sustainable relationship- and just maybe all the way to the bedroom!
3) Listen, Validate, Encourage
Your lady LOVES to be heard, validated and encouraged just as much as the next guy- literally. Men and women alike desire the big three.
And who knows, the more you listen, validate (not try to solve!), and encourage, the more you will likely receive the same treatment. As well as, increase your chances of hitting the sheets.
Take heart men. Ladies REALLY do want to be sexual with you. It just so happens that for most ladies, getting turned on begins in her EMOTIONAL BODY. And if you neglect this important body, you will have a difficult time gaining access to the other one!
If your sex life has been waning for awhile, be patient and consistent with the above 3 tips. It takes time for sexual trust to grow again. And if you need support, PLEASE don’t suffer alone, like a total dude, reach out for some help! Support@ReimagineLove.com
OR, If you would like help strengthening your relationship, contact us today!