Updated: Dec 20, 2018
When I was younger and in past relationships, there were tons of seemingly ‘insignificant’ myths I fell prey to. Unfortunately, one myth + one more myth + another myth = mounting confusion, poor communication, disconnection and a whole lot of heart ache.
Women get to adulthood with way too many false ideas about relationships (so do men for that matter)! These false ideas, beliefs, and ultimately expectations, lead to challenges that can create a great deal of frustration, loneliness, resentment and disconnect from the man in your life.
ALL of which is avoidable!
These myths are so prevalent, it's no wonder so many of us have suffered at their metaphorical hands. I'm sure you'll recognize the following pitfalls and the pain they elicit.
Learning truth can feel challenging and seem frustrating at first. But, it is worth digging into and understanding truth if you want to create a sustainable, joyful and deeply connected relationship.
Myth #1: He Knows (or Should Know) What I Want & Need
Ok, seriously ladies. This idea is a trap and a load of crap!
I coach this issue every day. News flash. HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED, OR HOW TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
But, he desperately and deeply wants to know…
I can hear your rebuttal now, “but Shawn, he has to know, because of _____Or, I tried to tell him once before_____ Or, what kind of moron wouldn’t know I need or want _____”
The truth is, you can hang on to your complaints, your drama stories and your lack of getting what you want and need… OR, you can tell him. Plainly. Clearly. Boldly. Courageously.
No more using ‘him’ as an excuse to be upset, lonely, confused or angry. And if you did try to tell him before, odds are, YOU were not clear enough.
Men define part of their success by how happy their lady is. Yes, seriously. Work success & family happiness are men’s defining factors. Just because it seems like he has meatloaf for brains at times does not mean he has a lack of interest in your happiness.
So, tell him! Tell him what you need and want. And do it multiple times. You will likely also need to tell him HOW to provide what you need and want.
Face the facts, we are built differently. Give him the gift of a detailed road map.
Forgive him when he messes up. Reassure him for trying. Thank him for his efforts. And reteach him again and again with unconditional patience. What does it matter if you have to ask and explain 1000 times? So long as he gives.
And for Pete sake, don’t expect him to deliver 100% of the time. You also need to practice meeting you OWN needs and wants!
Myth #2: “I” Have to Do Everything… (If I Want Anything Done or Done Right!)
Alright lady loves, it is time for a potentially polarizing truth bomb, are you ready?
The reason your man doesn’t do anything is likely because of the following 3 reasons:
1) YOU already do it.
2) YOU criticize what he does do (even if it is subtle)
3) YOU expect him to do everything on YOUR time frame.
How is that landing?
You might just be ready to delete this newsletter and go eat some ice cream! The heck with you Shawn! But, if you hang on a minute, we will work out the details.
Go getter, super women, we sometimes don’t leave time, space or room for the men in their lives to shine. Then anger, blame and resentment boils about the lost opportunities that women steal.
If you want your man to shine, set him up for success. If you do everything, how can he do anything? If he must do things on your schedule, how can he learn independence, autonomy, assertiveness and great decision-making skills?
He needs time, space and ENCOURAGEMENT to grow. Give him these gifts and he will soar!
Myth 3: Sharing with a Man Your Feelings Will Scare Him Away
The opposite is true. No really!
The problem (when men shut down, go all blank stare on you, or leave the room) usually results from the WAY you share.
If you blame, he will shut down or lash out.
If you attack, he will shut down or lash out.
If you yell, he will shut down or lash out.
If you get angry, he will shut down or lash out.
How do you turn this around and elicit open and actual meaningful connections?
You share an actual feeling!
Women usually tell a dramatic story about a situation that may, or may not, point to a feeling. But RARELY does a woman say:
I feel alone.
I feel sad.
I feel afraid
I feel ashamed.
I feel happy.
I feel loved.
I feel cared for.
I feel humiliated.
I feel angry.
And so on…
Can you recall the last time you simple stated any of the above? WITHOUT any explaining, excuse-making, blaming, or abdicating responsibility of any kind?
If you've ever been afraid to tell a man how you're feeling because you're afraid you'll lose him if you do, then I'm certain this myth has been wreaking havoc in your love life.
Stuffing your feelings creates more distance in relationship. And usually results in an over-the-top emotional expression later.
The key is not to suppress your feelings, but to share them without drama or blame.
Take your time, breathe and share slowly and with softness.
Then, sit still and wait for his response. Practice this at least a dozen times before deciding it doesn’t work. And two dozen if you are a bit on the salty side!
Men need to know they are emotionally safe before they are willing to open-up. So again, give the gifts that can return to you 10-fold.